June 17th, 2009
Is bystanding becoming the new “great American pastime?”
I have written before about how intentions can get us in trouble if we are not careful. Here and here. One of the ways our happy, fuzzy, wonderful intentions can get us in trouble is that they can convince us that we are not a part of the problem…and we can easily find ourselves standing in the corner…with all the other bystanders…doing nothing but appreciating our good intentions.
Hate is not the opposite of love; apathy is.
-Rollo May
We do a funny when we consider injustice, oppression and discrimination. We leave almost everyone that could drive real change out of the conversation. We focus on the target of injustice (either blaming them or pitying them) and we focus on the perpetrators of injustice (either defending them or demonizing them to prove how unlike us they are(defending ourselves)). Everyone else gets ignored. And that is why injustice continues.
For example…in our society there is a great deal of gender violence, things like date-rape, domestic violence, sexual assault. This gender violence is not 100% male on female, but it is close. Remember that funny thing that we do regarding oppression? Gender violence is a perfect example. We have largely convinced ourselves that gender violence is the problem of women. So…women form advocacy programs, hotlines, lobbying efforts and shelters (not 100% women, but close) to deal with gender violence. And we punish and/or work to reform the perpetrators…sometimes.
But.
Gender violence is not a women’s issue. Gender violence is a pathology that exists almost exclusively in male / masculine culture. Gender violence is a men’s issue, but most men (not all, but most) cannot be bothered to pay any attention to the issue of gender violence because: a) they have the right kinds of intentions (not to perpetrate gender violence), and b) we have taught them that gender violence is a women’s issue. The majority of men (the ones not commiting gender violence) are left completely out of the conversation.
Unfortunate.
As good and as important as all the work that is done by women on this issue is, gender violence will become unacceptable when men decide that it is unacceptable…the very same men that believe the issue has nothing to do with them. Because it is (almost exclusively) a male issue.
Good intentions + zero action = bystander. Bystanders are not on the right side, they are not a part of the solution and they are not in any way neutral. Bystanders are part of the problem. A big part. It is bystanders that allow oppression to continue. The silence of bystanders creates space for oppression to grow.
Lying is done with words and also with silence.
-Adrenne Rich
The world is full of bystanders. It is safe to be a bystander. It is fun and easy to be a bystander. Its popular to be a bystander…after all that’s where the cool kids are. I believe that we desperately need less bystanders and more transformers. Transformers act.
There is a big, scary difference between being non-violent and anti-violence.
There is a big, scary difference between being non-heterosexist and anti-heterosexism.
There is a big, scary difference between being non-racist and anti-racist.
That difference is action. Action in accordance with our aspirations. This action often includes uncertainty, discomfort and maybe even outright fear…and that is a good thing. That uncertainty and discomfort means that you are alive and awake and paying attention to something that matters.
I am not talking here about taking a stand when there is something directed towards yourself that is prejudiced, hateful or discriminatory. That is self-defense. Nothing wrong with self-defense. You should take a stand as you feel appropriate in those situations, but sticking up for yourself is different than sticking up for someone else. Very different. It is one thing to be concerned about your own physical, emotional, mental and spiritual well-being and self determination. It is quite another to be concerned about the well-being and self determination of others…whether you know them or like them or not…simply because of your commitment to humanity and our shared ideals.
If you are neutral in situations of injustice, you have chosen the side of the oppressor. If an elephant has its foot on the tail of a mouse and you say that you are neutral, the mouse will not appreciate your neutrality.
-Desmond Tutu
One thing to keep in mind is that we can be creative in how we “be transformers”…we do not have to lead a march or start a non-profit organization. There are many different things that we can do. Men that want to be transformers on the issue of gender violence do not have to volunteer at the YWCA or a shelter…they can go and hold their friends and family accountable…for their language, for their behaviors…for the things that they say and think about women…In the locker rooms and the private conversations that the YWCA will never be able to reach. Simple (though not necessarily easy) yet powerful. White folks do not have to join the NAACP to be transformers on issues of race…they can hold their friends and co-workers accountable. They can challenge assumptions and stereotypical comments and beliefs. Again, simply yet powerful.
Where we work is a wonderful place to get started. As a man you can go to work today and ask your supervisor if your organization has gender pay equity. If you supervisor does not know or care, keeping asking…ask their supervisor…ask HR…ask until you find out. Questions are very powerful. As a straight, white male you can go to work and ask your supervisor what your organizations commitment to diversity and inclusion involves…what kind of resources are dedicated…what kind of objectives are in place…is there anything that you can do to contribute? As a straight person you can go to work and ask your supervisor if your organization offers benefits for same-sex partners. Stand. Speak. Ask questions.
It is a bit absurd and a lot cowardly for us to expect the groups that are primarily oppressed in our culture to survive that oppression with some amount of health and wellness AND to end oppression…on their own.
Kick a bystander (yourself) today. We all have to pick our battles, and none of us can do everything…but pick one, and act. Step off the sideline. The world will be changed and so will you.
-be good to each other
What can I say, but "Here Here!" and "Thank You." So well said, Joe…so well said. Glad you’re on the planet with us being a Transformer.
Joe – another great post. I began my career as a D&I practitioner mainly focused on the issue of LGBT rights. As a white gay male, it seemed to be the obvious choice. But I soon noticed how much more powerful it was when a straight person with no perceived ‘personal agenda’ spoke up on behalf of LGBT equality – and conversely, how powerful it was when I spoke out on behalf of women, people of color, people with disabilities, people of various faith traditions, working parents, etc.
I’m still passionate about achieving true equality for LGBT people in America and elsewhere, but find that I have an equal amount of passion and and equal amount of "skin in the game" when it comes to the equality of other targets of injustice.
Great post, and one that I can imagine I’ll be "tweeting forward" before too long!
Great post Joe. Apathy is, in my view, our collective bane, and its cure deserves as much attention as that of any other ailment.
I like to imagine a world in which everyone feels connected to something important, something larger than themselves. A world in which people truly recognize and appreciate what they’re capable of, and act on that knowledge.
It’s a good vision Joe.
What great insights and inspiration, Joe. I concur on all points.
It’s ironic. When we are neutral we are, in effect, the oppressor, and when we do take a stand, we put ourselves in the position of now being the outsider, the underdog, the oppressed. I think this is a big thing we are up against — collusion — i.e. I stay a bystander to get the benefit of "siding" with those with power, cause it’s too scary not to. I’m not sure some folks even know this is a hurdle for them. There may be something we need to do re: self-awareness.
Keep up the great words and work! Mary
Joe, this was an outstanding article. I wish I had the insight to say this stuff but I’m so glad you did in a public forum like this. Bravo!!!
Great posts!!! And another reminder about how integrated and interdependent the myriad of "isms" are. For me being a Black, Gay, 52 yr.old man, I have to constantly remind myself about not getting overcome by the headwinds of race, sexual orientation, and age, such that I can leverage my power and privileges (tailwinds) around being light skin, male, Harvard educated, upper class, etc. to address the innumerable social justice issues both here in the U.S. and other parts of the world and to continue to enjoy learning from being on this D&I journey.
I agree wholeheartedly…. I am sending this to all the men who really need this wakeup call.
"Personal transformation can and does have global effects. As we go, so goes the world, for the world is us. The revolution that will save the world is ultimately a personal one." – Marianne Williamson
Thanks! ~Jill
okay, and since that was sexist, I’ll send it to all of the women who need it too.
~Jill