Part IV: Imbalance in the Force

In the first post of this series, I presented the idea that there are two primary forces present in every interaction between human beings; difference and commonality. In the second post, I presented the idea that difference and commonality are not independent of each other, but rather complimentary opposites forming a greater whole. In the third post I framed commonality as the container which holds us together and difference as the ingredients within the container, which allow us to learn, build, create, etc. This post will consider the impact of having an imbalance towards one or the other.

Pluck any two human beings at random from anywhere on the planet and put them in a room together. Two things are guaranteed…there are things about these two human beings that are alike and there are things about these two human beings that are different. As they begin to interact and get to know each other, the interplay of these two variables will play heavily in the direction that their relationship takes. The value and resilience of our relationships is largely dependent on a balanced foundation of both difference and commonality.

Consider a couple of types of relationship:

We become friends with people in different ways and for different reasons. Friendship is generally built primarily on commonality. We become friends with people that we agree with, that enjoy the same activities, have the same beliefs. Friendships are initially about that container. Some friendships do not ever evolve past that point, it is simply easier to share the things that are alike between us, but the really powerful and really valuable friendships do go further. The really good friends have the courage and compassion to disagree with us…to share difference within the container that already exists. And if that container is strong enough, we should be able to share differences whether they be differences of opinion, belief, value, or social identity. Building the container comes naturally in friendships, but for that relationship to be truly functional, valuable and generative we have to be able to explore our differences as well. Relationships built only on commonality are easy to participate in but tend to be shallow and not able to withstand pressure.  Balance is required.

Some of us have very strong political views and beliefs. If we share those views and beliefs we eventually will come across someone who disagrees…strongly. Relationships that focus solely on difference are dysfunctional as are relationships that focus solely on commonality, though it may look different. If two people only focus on their difference, there is no opportunity to actually learn from each other because each is working against the other. Turn on a cable news show that focuses on politics and you will likely observe two people shouting at each other. No listening. No solving. No collaborating. That relationship is defined solely by political difference. Relationships that focus solely on difference lead to dysfunctional communication, segregation and often violence. Balance is required…difference and commonality.

Increasing our social currency requires us to be courageous…for we must share more of our differences with those we like and we must share more of our commonality with those we dislike or disagree with. This intentional social alchemy leads us towards a more functional, generative and non-violent social space.

I am a fan of Shunryu Suzuki, and when I first started reading about him I came across Sandokai. Known as the Harmonious Song of Difference and Sameness, An Agreement For Participating Together, Merging of Difference and Unity, and other things, I think that this ancient poem speaks strongly and beautifully to the importance of balance.

Enjoy…and be good to each other.

Sandokai

Harmonious Song of Difference and Sameness

of Sekito Kisen Daiosho

The mind of the great sage of India
is intimately communicated from west to east.
While human faculties are sharp or dull,
The Way has no northern or southern ancestors.
The spiritual source shines clear in the light;
the branching streams flow on in the dark.
Grasping at things is surely delusion;
according with sameness is still not enlightenment.
All the objects of the senses
interact and yet do not.
Interacting brings involvement.
Otherwise, each keeps its place.
Sights vary in quality and form,
sounds differ as pleasing or harsh.
Refined and common speech come together in the dark,
clear and murky phrases are distinguished in the light.
The four elements return to their natures
just as a child turns to its mother.
Fire heats, wind moves,
water wets, earth is solid.
Eye and sights, ear and sounds,
nose and smells, tongue and tastes;
Thus with each and every thing,
depending on these roots, the leaves spread forth.
Trunk and branches share the essence;
revered and common, each has its speech.
In the light there is darkness,
but don’t take it as darkness;
In the dark there is light,
but don’t see it as light.
Light and darkness oppose one another
like front and back foot in walking.
Each of the myriad things has its merit,
expressed according to function and place.
Phenomena exist; box and lid fit.
Principle responds; arrow points meet.
Hearing the words, understand the meaning;
don’t set up standards of your own.
If you don’t understand the Way right before you,
how will you know the path as you walk?
Progress is not a matter of far or near,
but if you are confused, mountains and rivers block your way.
I respectfully urge your who study the mystery,
do not pass your days and nights in vain.