December 13th, 2009
One final post on the whole self at work.
This idea of bringing your whole self to work is a bit abstract for some…especially, I would imagine, for those that have never realized any real resistance to doing so. I often run into people who know exactly what I am talking about and share their individual experiences. It is not uncommon for me to have a handful of private conversations after one of my workshops.
After the leadership team for a large school district talked at length about how welcoming and inclusive they were, I listened to a lesbian administrator who had worked there for close to 30 years and never come out to any co-workers because she sees the environment as being far from welcoming and inclusive.
After a half-day workshop for a corporate leadership team, I had the conversation with a very successful African American woman executive, who has constantly felt conflicted as she has moved up in the organization. When she put questions on the table regarding issues of diversity and inclusion she almost always felt like she made her peers uncomfortable, that they would then pigeon-hole her and treat her as an outsider. When she did not raise diversity and inclusion issues she felt welcomed and that her peers saw her as having a broad set of abilities and wide ranging business interests. She basically had always felt that she was implicitly rewarded for not bringing up issues of diversity and inclusion in a serious way, but she was never able to do that for any length of time because it was part of what she believed in and prioritized as a leader. She had never shared this conflict with anyone else in the organization.
Lying is done with words and also with silence.
-Adrienne Rich
After a session for a group of emerging leaders in a Fortune 500 corporation, I had the conversation with a female executive that was sponsoring and mentoring a couple of the emerging leaders and participating in the training. She told me of being supported and groomed very early in her work with the organization, but she always felt that the female component of her identity had not been supported even in her mentoring relationships with senior executives that clearly wanted to see her succeed. When she spoke of any experience that she felt was related in some way to her gender, they were always downplayed or justified or in some way explained away. So, she stopped paying any attention to that part of herself and worked very hard to emulate the male executives that were successful leaders in the organization. Now that she is playing a senior role in the organization and involved in the development of new leaders, she finds herself grappling with her dual identities. Realizing that the way she has been leading is not organic for her and that is not what is best for the company she finds herself doing a lot of unlearning. She is now working to re-learn leadership and what it means for her, 25 years into her career.
We worship the rugged individual in this society, but truth be told, our environment plays a big role in determining how we show up…and who we show up as, in a given situation. Organizational culture plays a big role in determining which parts, and how much of themselves employees bring to work.
Sometimes when I have this conversation with a senior leader, they like to talk about how the individuals impacted should behave differently…
“they should find a place to work where they are appreciated”
“they need to speak up”
“maybe they were being overly sensitive”
Blaming the victim is a safe, simple and easy way out of this conversation but real leadership calls us to take responsibility for the culture of organization. If your organization implicitly or explicitly sends the message to some employees that their experiences, perspectives or relationships are not welcome at work then they will probably leave that part of themselves at home…but they will probably leave some other stuff at home also…maybe some of their ideas, some of their effort, some of their passion.
Your employee does not bring their whole self to work and you do not get the benefit or the contribution of their whole self. You both lose.
I do not think it is uncommon at all for employees to be encouraged (intentionally or unintentionally) to ignore, deny or play down parts of their truth related to their gender, race, ethnicity, orientation, gender identity or other aspects of their social identity. But even those of us that benefit from privilege based on our social identity receive a lot of messages about “fitting in” …we learn a lot about how much truth and what kind of truth is rewarded, we learn a lot about challenging the ideas of managers, we learn a lot about which policies apply to everyone and which ones are a bit more selective.
And with each of these messages we are given the opportunity to play the role of dissenter or to shave off a little piece of ourselves in order to get along. Organizations tend to punish dissenters, and this is where leaders have an opportunity effect positive change.
Do you expect dissent?
Do you seek out dissent?
Do you reward dissent?
Do you role model dissent?
Personal truth telling as a path to social change is the most important and enduring legacy.
-Gloria Steinem
Organizations and leaders that want to be successful must be in the habit of valuing and rewarding the voice of dissent.
The less dissent that you have in your organization (and dissent can be done in a respectful way) the less honesty you have.
How is your organization doing?
I feel we are continually going in circles about these topics. I have tried to deal with diversity by believing it applies to every single individual, and acting that every human has the potential to be a great person or burden to society. In my professional and personal live I have interacted with many cultural differences, and I have always tried to focus on the person not the background. I have found this to be a successful approach in building relationships with individuals, even if I may not philosophically agree with their belief systems.
It seems like in your article you are trying to say that I am not supportive because I don’t want to address their cultural difference. However, I couldn’t disagree more. I don’t think about difference, because difference does note equate to problem for me. Their stupid or insensitive actions equate a problem for me, and if they bring their culture into the equation I get even more aggravated. I think if more individuals distanced themselves from these cultural representatives and reinforced the message "I believe people should be judged on their own actions and not that of their family, culture or association" then we truly would be able to move past the partiality that exists. Of course a lot of people make a great deal of wealth and build great power on these prejudices, so it is unlikely human kind will achieve this on their own.
II spent a number of years in staffing and know the pitfalls you describe from the inside out. In her book Dreamers and Dealers, author Leah Fritz referred to women such as the Fortune 500 executive you describe as "Honorary men" whose primary role in the organization was to keep other uppity women in their place. Thankfully, your executive and thousands of others recognized their collusion and learned to change the structure from within. Clearly, we’ve a long way to go. Perhaps mega corporations, too big to fail, need not change, but any organization competing for business, dollars and the brightest minds must create a culture that encourages every employee to bring her or his whole self to work. Thank you for this series. Excellent.
Don’t blame the victim, but do something about the victim mentality wherever it peeks its head. In all Love, I have to say that the mentality that fosters victimhood in any way is what truly needs addressing. Above all else, I believe this is what ones such as Martin Luther King Jr. and Gandhi were trying to demonstrate to all of us. When Martin held sit-ins and Gandhi made salt on the Dandi Coast they brought their whole beings while remaining well aware of the societal consequences.
No one can deny us our inalienable rights to Selfhood but ourselves. Though this not absolve its proponents from their responsiility, perhaps we should even go so far as to feel compassion for those who should even believe that they have the right to do so. We can only attempt to deny in others that which we are denying within ourselves. If they are trying to hold another back, imagine how more of themselves goes unexpressed and unfulfilled. This is why great teachers taught us to love our "enemies". In so doing, we love ourselves. This Love is a powerful Presence. It gives us permission to be authentic and when we do so, we become a living invitation for others to do the same.
When we even for a moment believe that who we are can be denied, we not only justify a disempowering mentality, we perpetuate it. Though we may choose to execrcise our right to remain silent, we must recognize it as a choice regardless of perceived or actual forces working against us. This awareness alone can be transformative. In my summation, The Whole Truth is that we are Whole–each and every one of us. How can anyone take from us that which they have no power to give?
Though I, like many others, must contend with the temptation to blame some external on a day to day basis, I have personally come to realize that personal empowerment is the only sustainable solution any of us can depend on.