June 15th, 2011
Empathy gets a bad rap. People talk about empathy as if it is not serious business…as if it is this soft, fuzzy, cuddly, lets all hug and be nice to each other kind of a thing…and it is not that kind of a thing at all.
Empathy is actually pretty bad ass.
It requires a certain amount of courage, a certain amount of confidence and a certain amount of character to have empathy. You have to be secure enough, in your identity and with your perspective, to try to have some understanding as to the identity and perspective of another. Empathy is not about being nice to somebody or liking somebody (not that those are bad things) it is about understanding where a person is coming from. Knowing the dissenting point is one thing, but do you understand where that point comes from, do you understand why someone feels as strongly about their different point of view as you do about yours?
There is nothing soft or easy or safe about it…if there were, it would be a much more common thing that we are talking about.
Empathy is pretty rare, because the much easier thing to do is to simply dismiss the perspective, feelings or experience of another without actually understanding it. If you are really good at doing that, you never have to have to do any real work or have any real faith in who you are or what you are about…you just never let that stuff come into any contact with any other stuff.
And there is no shortage of this. There is no shortage of people telling other people they are wrong without ever having any understanding of them. “Young people don’t get it, older people don’t get it, Republicans don’t get it, Democrats don’t get it, my kids don’t get it, new members don’t get it, senior leadership doesn’t get it, employees don’t get it, the board doesn’t get it, etc.”
The convenient thing about that approach is that it removes me from the conversation…if we can focus on how “they” do not get it, we don’t have to have any awkward conversations about what I am doing or not doing. Empathy requires us to let go of “they” and “them.” Empathy helps us understand that while we may disagree on something; that difference exists within a larger container of commonality and shared responsibility.
Empathy is not for the faint of heart.
Rather than point fingers and diagnose the failings of others, having empathy, having some real understanding on where another is coming from means that we are all part of the problem, which means we are all part of the solution, which means we all have work to do.
Empathy informs wise action. The more empathy you have the greater, in quality and quantity, the data you have to make decisions and find your way through the world.
Be good to each other.
It’s funny Joe, I was just writing a blog post about the importance of creating opportunities for emotion with groups that work together, shared feeling of emotion that can lead to discovering commonality. And then I saw this post on twitter. A great post, and good timing. Nice to find your blog.
Something that can be helpful in maintaining empathy in the face of what we experience as intransigence is a saying of Jerry Weinberg’s:
“No matter how strange it may look, most people are actually trying to be helpful.”
Thanks for the reminder. Again, sometimes I get irritated and I respond negatively about “them.” Thanks for AGAIN helping me to recognize that I am really part of the problem as well as the solution.
Wise words, Joe. We all see the world through our own unique frameworks, which were formed by all of our experiences and interactions with the world. Empathy helps us navigate the foreign land of others’ frameworks so we can authentically relate to one another in all of our abundant and beautiful diversity.
Your discussion here also made me think about complexity and systems theory as well as Deming’s views on quality. So much of the time we focus on the employees or a certain mangers’ attitude as the “problem,” but the truth is, often a faulty organizational system is to blame and systemic issues need to be addressed. A healthy, brave, level of empathy in the workplace can help shed light on the system being the problem, not the individuals.
I love this post, Joe. I’ve witnessed people who express empathy or empathetic tendencies in the workplace be derided. I believe there is tremendous business value in being empathetic, including the creation and maintenance of trust in the employee and client populations.
In a world that’s filled with images and caricatures of “the other”, your post is a timely reminder on the importance of empathy. So often, I see kind and intelligent people become completely dismissive when they encounter opposing viewpoints. Often, it’s not only the viewpoints they dismiss, but the people, as well.
In addition to being harmful to our communities, this mental laziness and absence of critical thinking is also harmful to a democratic society. Democracy can’t work without a public that is capable of contemplating complex issues, entertaining opposing views and coming to informed, rather than knee-jerk, decisions.
I’d love to see a follow-up post on how we can begin cultivating empathy at both the individual and institutional levels.